If you’re on a Mac, there is a cool Dashboard Widget that does this:

http://www.doubleforte.net/widgets/corporate/

That is very proactive of you

I am certain that the response to your query will meet or exceed your expectations...

Keep’em rolling. Don’t be afraid to think outside the box .

Best practice, as regards quality assurance, is to ramp up to close out the deliverables. Failing this, the solutions will be inappropriate.

Holisticly network bricks-and-clicks schemas via go forward relationships. Distinctively pontificate interactive methodologies for cross-media leadership skills. Conveniently harness highly efficient value rather than innovative customer service. Objectively maintain turnkey niche markets without real-time web-readiness. Distinctively foster visionary solutions via compelling channels. Professionally repurpose robust initiatives with competitive e-tailers.

OR

Compellingly morph premier products after robust experiences. Dynamically whiteboard corporate deliverables via cost effective solutions. Assertively envisioneer next-generation niches with viral information. Enthusiastically deploy emerging methods of empowerment before tactical growth strategies.

The Dilbert mission statement generator, and some Google search results for jargon generator.

Solutions solution.

Tim

I like (that is to say, I hate) “going forward”.

Surely using these services is cheating - there must be real annual reports and such out there with content that can be re-used.

Orwell nailed this 60 years ago.

For more recent (if non-corporate) examples, try http://denisdutton.com/bad_writing.htm

> Surely using these services is cheating - there must be real annual reports and such out there with content that can be re-used

You’re probably right but there’s a deadline hanging over me and I’m curious of what might pop out of your Top of Mind awarenesses. I did google “Corporate statements” though and found some pretty interesting stuff.

> Orwell...

Now wouldn’t that be interesting, mixing quotes from Orwell with management language? Nicely intertwined. If it’s going to be funny it can’t be too obvious of course.

> http://denisdutton.com/bad_writing.htm

Regarding bad writing, I did use Edward Bulwer-Lyttons immortal “It was a dark and stormy night” in a previous specimen I made.

Corporate-speak? I’ve moved my cheese on that.

If you’re up against a deadline these may not help, but they are interesting.

Plain English Campaign

Buzzwhack

Why Business People Speak Like Idiots

The phrase that drives me crazy is “there’s no I in team.” Yeah, well, there’s no we or us, either.

>>“there’s no I in team.”

No, but there’s a U in ’Vaccuous cliche’

=================

When in meetings with people who speak like this, I try to throw back some of CJ’s mixed metaphors - not only do they not notice, but they even repeat them later in the conversation. Some of the best:

Run it up the flagpole and see if the rats desert a sinking ship
Let’s not spoil the ship for a ha’peth of spilt milk
Leave no worm unturned
That’s the pot calling the kettle a horse of a different colour
The exception that spoils the broth
It’s the early bird that catches the quick brown fox
That’s the pot calling the kettle a silver lining

turn-key is my favorite. It means the least of all.

I would some day like meet a self-motivated team player...

Mikey :-)

By leveraging email as a scalable J2EE communications conduit, we can ramp B2C ambiguity deployment by 300%.

Leverage is my all-time favorite. Don’t forget acronyms too. Great for testing your cap/smallcap settings.

Here’s a real one I set with gritted teeth:

TRM² can leverage existing best-of-breed enterprise applications as well as emerging network infrastructure to enable additional capabilities for IGTV. (can i get a comma?)

Wonderful examples here:

www.ibm.com/do

(If you move the slider on the left back to “talk” you can play around with all the nonsense phrases.)

I think it’s a nice campaign overall, too.

Another idea might be to mimic those horrible motivational posters... a few ideas...

“There’s no I in FONT”
“KERNING - separates the boys from the men”
“MULTIPLE MASTERS - the $ecret of my succe$$”
“FONTLAB - say hello to my little script”

Etc.,

I’ve found this one to be pretty kind of OK, but mostly amusing:

Especially the pseudo German :o)

R

> horrible motivational posters.

There’s always the classic Mather Work Incentive series:

http://www.hellerposters.com/gallery.htm

http://www.internationalposter.com/search-results.aspx?keywords=mather