A funny joke…or not. You decide.

oldnick's picture

When too many coincidences pile up, I find myself disturbed—which is no news to anyone, right? But…

The last couple of days, my primary computer will not shut down completely, even when I command it to do so; instead, as I walk away, I am informed that some or another unspecified “background program” is waiting to close. Okay, fine, I say: if that’s the case, I can make sure no mischief is done by powering off the network router.

However, when I try to unlock the computer, I get a cursor which is attempting to control…absolutely nothing there. Okay, I say: if there ever was a time for suspicion to turn to paranoia, it might be time to consider that transition. Especially since AOL “improved” my mailbox by making it take longer to navigate—thereby spend more time distracted—which only became a little more uncomfortable when what might be interpreted as a temporary glitch looked suspiciously like a subliminal suggestion. To me. Quite disturbingly possibly.

As a favor to all, please prove me wrong at your earliest convenience. On a grandpa box: you folks who are constantly connected are on your own: if I am not wrong, I do not know how to prove or disprove my “qualms.” OTOH, if you do not see an inherent problem with hi-res displays, Apple’s recent acquisition of a fingerprint-scanning company, GPS, inside jobs, lack of a paper trail to prove otherwise—especially since Google maps can, theoretically, place you walking out of a store in which you did not actually make a purchase but someone can prove that you were there (Té! You ARE the man!)—then, I have proven conclusively that I am deeply disturbed. Crazy boad? Crazy good?

On another hand, I am probably totally wrong that Hakim Bey’s proposal for a Pirate Utopia (Google it while you can find it, and save) can, quite paradoxically, look like a new Digital Declaration of Independence, OR a swell, chapter-and-verse indictment for the most amazing fraud—downside—and incredible opportunity (we all gotta eat) that has even been squandered in human history.

Which, if I pray I am wrong, may well soon end as we know it—if we can still breathe the air next year. Close the book and begin a new one, or not drink a beer (or drink an non-alcoholic beer: same thing, same words—with the “alcoholic” left out. Believe me, you can have more fun with trying to get people to open a bottle and not drink a beer than you can imagine: so, please do try it at home. Or in public. If someone calls the cops, someone other than you will have to do the serious explaining: you can’t take a joke if you don’t know it’s a joke; nonetheless, the joke can STILL be on you, and that is NOT funny.

One and done: my old, currently-completely-offline computer is mighty handy when I pray to God I am completely wrong. Because, if I have one shot and it disappears soon, that is the worst possible proof that I am not crazy. Still: someone owes me a beer—AND—I got a guy to deliver the rimshots. If anything is funny after this. Anyhow. I HAVE to check my email and see how font sales are doing. No news is good news, but good news is even better…than none. Duh.

P.S. Let the language professionals decoded the conditional clauses, because I might be in a subjunctive mood. P.S. Obama • McCain 2012; replaced Timid Tim with Mitt RIGHT NOW (he ought to be plenty pissed with every GOOD reason to fight the guys who set him up to get rough up). Sarah: Department of Interior. Ron Paul: Chairman of the Fed. Bonus: it is hard to misspell “Ron Paul” in successive phishing emails. Sanity or insanity: this may be my last chance. For a free beer.

oldnick's picture

Well, I am gratified for your vote of no-confidence in something. Which makes about as much sense as anything else today, including regaining control of my main computer, but only after the troubleshooter fixed some unspecified problem which, apparently, it had not either encountered, or which may not have previously existed. Either way: mystery unsolved...

And I STILL don't have a firm offer for one stinking beer. What does a guy have to do to catch a break around here…except do a cold shutdown and reboot in order to know exactly where I am pointing before I actually click? With as loony as my real life has been the past couple of weeks, I could be sending all of my retirement money to Adolf Hitler…and, as long as the check went through ACH, as far as my bank—and Hitler himself, for obvious by potentially impossible reasons (I hope to God)—is or are concerned (depends on what I am really talking about, so…), everything is hunky-dory…except my bank balance. And my future.

Which is awfully dim, if I can't solve most of our immediate problems the only sensible way AND not get a free beer out of the deal. Boy! Talk about a TOUGH CROWD!

OTOH, my weekly sales report appears to confirm that most—but not all—at least, not YET all—of the world agrees that I am nuts. I guess I am: I have a simple problem that, surely, SOMEONE at Adobe may potentially be able to handle (hopefully), which would make a potential moneymaker (for me, mostly) and, IMHO, great design aid at an outrageously reasonable price (an actual plus for the uninformed buyers), and—NOBODY in the type community has a clue as to how to recode a swatch and leave the 0,0 origin intact. How hard can it be? Apparently, almost impossible. I am not COMPLETELY sure.

What the hell: I waste the opportunity for a load of free pan-European launch publicity, and turn all the freeloaders into beta testers. No free lunch, right? No free beer, for sure. PLUS: I may give the guys, gal and/or both who actually solve (or solves) THE problem which the company which peddles this product (for the big bucks, and which a cheap app makes more functional) star billing in the Document Info. AND…I will buy them a free beer, no matter where they live or how much it reasonably (big qualifier) costs.

Nonetheless, since I honor my father, I may feel fiscally and friendlily compelled, at least, to suggest Schlitz…

Ryan Maelhorn's picture

Ha ha ha ha!

quadibloc's picture

@oldnick:
And I STILL don't have a firm offer for one stinking beer.

You must remember, this is an Internet forum. That means that most of the people reading your posts do not live in the same city as you do, which creates inefficiencies and awkwardnesses.

russellm's picture

@oldnick:
And I STILL don't have a firm offer for one stinking beer.

If we're ever in the same city and know about it, time allows and if and one or the other of us hasn't been institutionalized, isn't dead or worse, I will definitely buy you one or even two (non) stinking beers, Mr.

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