A friend sent this to me:

"So, you're going to TypeCon 2002, eh? You must be real x-height-ed..."

Ben, thats not a joke thats a diss.

Dave, your Helvetica, Arial, Univers joke was really funny. Good one.

I thought I saw a good one on typographer.com quite some time ago but I can't remember how it goes...

Mr. Earls???

I got into a fight with a type designer once. I was counterpunch drunk for hours. My hair was a mess, my cap height was all wrong, the blood had to be swashed off with gentle strokes into a bowl, and I had to stem my cursing on the way out of the bar, tail between my legs, nursing my arm.

The post from Typographer.com, as requested above:

Type Oddity - World's first typographic joke discovered
A mystery man from AMX Studios (London, UK), who does not want to be identified, passed on what might well be the world's first (and worst) typography joke. Here goes... "Two fonts walk into a bar, the bartender says 'we don't serve your type here'. So they called the serif."
Posted on Friday, January 26, 2001

>Tracy, get with the Times.

Isn't that what Stanley said to Walter?

-- K.

Ha!

Wasn't there one about the blond working quality control in an M & M factory... getting rid of all the w's ?

This thread is unbelievable. You guyz on drugs or what?

There's some pretty funny ones though. Well, to 0,0001% of the world population, to answer your question Seanmichael (just a rough estimate ;) ).

So I guess that means some of the people here dont even think its funny.

Thanks for your jokes everyone. I actually went to bed laughing.

-smc

I think this is great!!! I vote for Sean and Cheshire Cat to be the jokes moderators.

Many apologies for sending sooo many bad jokes. I couldn't help myself. Hopefully I've gotten it all out of my system.

==========

What is a typophile's favorite brand of fruit drink?
Kerns

Of course they always buy them in packs of two. - so they can buy kerning pairs!

What type of diabetes is a graphic designer most likely to get diagnosed with?
Type 1

Favorite hotel in las vegas?
The Sans

What did the 'Free Font Monger' say when he went to the bank?
"Can I open a Chank account?"

What did the graphic designer build his house out of?
Adobe

Type designer's favorite sport?
Bowling

Favorite hat?
Bowler

What happened when the type designer was taken to court?
He threatened to counter sue.

What kind of relationships do typophiles prefer?
The open type

Favorite Song?
I shot the serif by Eric Clapton

Favorite Madonna song?
Justify my love

Favorite play?
Waiting for Didot by Samuel Beckett

Favorite actor?
Steve Gutenberg

Favorite Steve Gutenberg movie?
Font Diner

Favorite circus act?
Trapeze artist because they are ARIALists

Last choice of a graphic designer looking for a career change?
Hobo

What did the greedy graphic designer say at the font sale?
How much for Aldus?

What part of the fish does a graphic designer remove when cooking?
The gill, so it will be Gill Sans.

Why did the graphic designer go see the psychic?
He wanted to see what was in his Futura.

What did the typographer say to the printer who wouldn't stop talking?
"Get to the point."

Why did the printer forget to say goodbye to his wife?
He was pressed for time.

What type of hunting do printers prefer?
trapping

How does a printer get rid of a bad client?
With a choke hold

Printer's favorite desert?
Keyline pie

Did you hear about the unscrupulous paper company?
They would ream their customers

Graphic designer's least favorite American talk show host?
Moire Povich

Favorite typophile superhero? CAPtain America

favorite comic book writer? Stan LEEgature

Favorite book?
The Time machine

Xerox's favorite action star?
James Bond

What did the child of a type designer say when she was asked to share?
"My Fonts!"

What is the favorite bathroom appliance of a graphic designer? The toilet - because you can make things flush

Second favorite?
The counter top

What did the graphic designer do to the assistant who kept indenting the text?
She kept tabs on him

What happened to the graphic designer who was forced to use a PC too long?
He shot his boss with a 0169 caliber bullet

Why do type designers always remove the petals from flowers?
They just like to look at the stems.

~ Roballoo!

Stop! I'm not close enough to the loo!

ROFL WM

Roballoo, some of those are really funny! :->

hhp

And I was so excited that I'd have material for happy hour Friday...

I've been muscled out of my possible Type Joke Moderator spot! |:< )

Tracy, I tried some these out in the real world already. All I can say is be careful!

-smc

good advice but a little too late! Should've found some stoned subjects to try them out on outside of the office.

When you laugh alone...

haha. ok here's a recent joke I made....well in an correspondance to a past Art Director I had who had seen a font I used recently and asked what it was...we got into discussion about scripts and where to find some good ones. I pluged a couple addys and anywho..here's the correspondance:

> This is fukin awesome...
> I ma always so busy I forget that there are freaks like you who are
> constantly searching... I love the lamar script, i think i will buy it and
> make a purty wine label with it.
>
> Thanks Tan ya!


Then I replied:
hmm another freak comment eh? - My constant searching may be excessive but
keeping a good arsenal is helping me fight designery crime. Its tough on the
frontier without front line & backup, (cue Good, Bad and the Ugly soundbite).
If it gets rowdy over there again, take cover, fire your rifle, send smoke
signal, I'll save the men.

dashes off into the sunset.
Serif Sprowl

Brilliant!

Reminds me of the time I was involved in an intense discussion about type obsession with a designer. I must've been waxing melodramatic ( "some women shop for shoes when depressed, I shop for fonts") because he asked,

"how long have you been this way, anyway?"

He made it sound like a character flaw...

(ok, "Serif Spowl," you win...swashes down)

heh

have you ever heard Ken Nordine's track called 'Alphabets/Numbers'?
here are some extracts:

E- is a broken rib, G- that a C gone wrong, H - is one minus one... crowded, K - is an elbow leaning againt a wall, P - is a leaking D, R - is a leaking E, T - is an EXTREMLY mixed up L.. Z - is two V's sleeping together.. head to toe, 'what do you know!'..

and my fav:
X - just more V playing some silly game trying to get the point.

I have not yet read all of the above, but here's one:

What is the type designer's favorate breakfast?

--
Soren O

cheerios? oh, no! alphabits!!!

Kern flakes!

--
Soren O

Special K?

ha!
(and every time I ladle some alphabet soup into my bowl, I think Vag Rounded!)

Coming Soon: fat-free breakfast treat, Sans Serifs!

Can you stand more? The em and en discussion was teasing at me... near my old office was a chain of sandwich shops, Em's Subs...

Do you think the difference between a 6" and a 12" sub is similar to that between an en and an em?

Alright, I'm off the deep end now...

One for the old school:

Q: How many typesetters does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One, but be sure to specify how tight you want it.

Did you hear about the embarrasing date that the young R had with the cute letter from Carmina?


He got his tongue stuck in her bracket while she was stroking his stem.


But in the end there was a crossbar in the terminal, so at least he got some tail.

> What is the type designer's favorate
> breakfast?

Another answer:

M N X (Ham and eggs)


The full, even cornier version:

F U N E M?
S, V F M.
F U N E X?
S, V F X.
O K. L F M N X.

(Have you any ham?
Yes, we have ham.
Have you any eggs?
Yes, we have eggs.
OK. I'll have ham and eggs.)

Tracy, get with the Times. That only happens in Georgia nowadays.

Now you're talkin'!

I think this thread has only served to prove that while
type lovers have a sense of humor, they might not be
great humorists.

A notable exception from my experience: Dave Farey.

Ampers&

I always wanted to draw a comic strip about a sea captain whose hat was much too small for him.
And the character's name would be . . .
Cap'n Smallcap!

…and his parens. :-)

Wow. Some of these are so corny, they became funny again.

This, perhaps?

"Don't Believe the Type!"

That's great, loocas!

F U N E M?
S, V F M.
F U N E X?
S, V F X.
O K. L F M N X.

(Have you any ham?
Yes, we have ham.
Have you any eggs?
Yes, we have eggs.
OK. I'll have ham and eggs.)

I love verses like this. I used to know a few, but only one comes to mind right now:

C D B? D B S A B-Z B, S-N-D?

(See the bee? The bee is a busy bee, isn't he?)

The first of those is a variant of an old Two Ronnies sketch, ‘Swedish Made Simple’.

_______________________________________________
Ever since I chose to block pop-ups, my toaster's stopped working.

[[http://typophile.com/node/58525|A thread I started a while ago]].

Christopher, that's funny but it's bass-ackwards. More kerning means closer together.

Whoa, deja vu.

Here's an old one I wrote on Typographunnies last year.
(http://type.salsen.com/)

For awhile, when the site was new, I was a contender for the #1 spot.
Almost always second to the guy who just wrote "Comic Sans" in Comic Sans.
Oh, it hurts! Anyway, here's the joke:

A sans-serif face walks into the street and is hit
by a Swiss Modernist truck. The carnage is grotesk.
But you know, akzidenz happen.

*cough*

Some of these made me laugh a tittle.

An oldie but a goodie -- "Comic Sans walks into a bar and the bartender says: "We don't serve your type here."